A Limerick from Childhood

I wrote this as a kid when I first learned about the limerick form.

"No Oats for a Goat"

When you leave let me know that you've gone
So that I may wake up before dawn
So I may have a day
Where I won't have to pray
That you will stop eating my lawn

The Psychology Lover - Intro to My Boat

This past week I read my first ugly comment left on my blog. It was bound to happen. It was just a matter of time. Being someone that tends to take things to heart, it was difficult. I often put too much weight on what others think of me. Nothing I haven't said before. But this was just a plain and simple mean post, and it hurt. I didn't blog the rest of the week as a result. I didn't want to think about it. Eventually, though, I decided this was something I was going to have to work through and that's what I've done. The really interesting thing, for me, was how I did that.

It seems like a lifetime ago. I was married. I was abused. I was in a pretty horrible place and I was just trying to keep myself safe from the barrage of verbal/emotional abuse that I was inundated with on a daily basis from my spouse. During that dark time, I developed some tools that were instrumental in my getting healthy. They were tools, unbeknown to me at the time, about establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. These are tools that most emotionally abused individuals haven't effectively developed. Most such people go to a therapist and spend years learning these tools. I happened to stumble upon it myself one beautiful summer day when my husband was out of town.

My friend Tessa was talking to me over a chat app. I told her I felt particularly good and that I wished I could stay in that emotional place forever. She asked me to describe it. I said, "I feel like I'm out in the middle of a large body of water in a boat. I can see other boats out in the distance but I don't feel like I need to go to them. I think, yes, I do have oars in the boat. I could go to those boats if I wanted. But, I don't. I'm content to be right here, in my boat."

Over the next 6 months I developed on this concept of "My Boat." After my spouse returned, I used My Boat as a means of protection. First when he said hurtful things to me, I'd retreat when I could and I'd bring up a mental image of paddling my little boat out to the middle of that body of water. I'd paddle and paddle. And then, I'd just rest, there, by myself, in My Boat. I was safe.

Later, I added to this concept. As my spouse would say hurtful things, I could imagine me in My Boat and him in his boat, in my mind's eye, during the fight. Perhaps this is the trait of a female multi-tasking mind, as I'm not sure everyone is capable of doing this, but it became a very effective tool for me in learning to fight healthier.

During the fight, I'd try to translate the things he'd say to me into acts that he'd do in his boat to me in My Boat. For instance, he might say, "You're just lazy!" And I'd envision him ramming his boat into mine. He might say, "It's all about you, you don't care about me at all!" Depending upon the context of that message, I might envision him throwing a grappling hook into My Boat and pulling my boat around with his. Now this may not seem particularly useful at first glance. But let's take a deeper look.

Let's say he said, "I don't have any friends because you scared them all away." Without My Boat, I might become defensive, and say that I didn't scare his friends away, that I like his friends, that I am sorry he doesn't have friends and I'm sorry if it was because of me...and then I'd start doubting myself...as an emotional abuse victim, trust me, it always ends being the victims fault, even in the victims own mind.

BUT, try out this same scenario while in My Boat. He says, "I don't have any friends because you scared them all away." I translate the message into his boat and My Boat and see him scooping up water out of the bottom of his boat and trying to pour it into my boat. I immediately think, "Woah! That's not my water...that's YOUR water, YOU keep it!" Now, instead of the message above, I say to him, "If you think you don't have friends, that's your problem, not mine. Don't blame me for your problems." I've effectively just removed myself from accepting blame from my abuser. I have established a healthy boundary. Instead of the fight escalating into what a horrible person I am, the attempt at abusing me is thwarted. As time went on, I became better and better at this. The great thing that this did was it stopped me from being hurt from emotionally abusive garbage. I didn't need to internalize it. It never made it into My Boat. It never got past my established boundary.

There is more that I learned from My Boat, but it's not relevant to today's post. While I was sitting there, feeling bad about the hurtful anonymous little comment on my blog, the idea of My Boat came to mind. It was shocking, as I'd not thought (not needed to think) of My Boat for quite some time. But there it was. In reality, it makes perfect sense. That comment was abusive in nature. It was meant to hurt for no reason than to hurt, to take something from me and transfer it to the abuser. Plain and simple, that's how abuse works.

So I mentally climbed into My Boat. I looked at the blog comment and translated it into the anonymous writer's boat and My Boat. It was amazing. The hurt went away. Literally went away. I no longer owned those hurtful words. It wasn't about me. It was about that writer, that angry little anonymous writer. And I didn't need to expend any more personal energy on it. How liberating.

Elderly Gamers

I just saw this article about the change in demographics of gamers and I had to laugh. My mom is one of those granny gamers. She had some health issues that had her unable to get out a lot, so I put together a gaming computer, bought her a copy of EverQuest2 and away she went. It wasn't long before she had surpassed me in levels and experience. She's pretty hardcore as a matter of fact. When she went in for hip replacement surgery, she was transferred from the hospital to the rehabilitation center afterward, and one of her first questions upon admission was if the center had high-speed internet and wifi access...so she could bring in a wifi gaming laptop and play EQ2 in bed while she recuperated. You should have SEEN the look of shock and confusion on the admission nurse's face. It was truly a classic moment. I hope to be as hip in my elderly years!
http://www.electronichouse.com/article/girls_elderly_boost_gaming_market/?utm_source=EHWeeklyNewsletter&utm_medium=email

The Student

I enrolled in my 3rd to last course toward my undergraduate degree last week. World History. The classes that remain are ones I've been avoiding because they aren't my favorites: Economics, Natural Science, and World History. I'm a Math and English person, not a history and science person. Strange mix maybe but I've met a lot of people like me and they're all fairly creative and artistic individuals. Odd. I wonder what that means. I am fascinated by the relationships to be found in seemingly unrelated things like this. Food for thought.

Back to the subject of school. In just one week, I can already tell you that I had forgotten how much I enjoy learning. I absolutely love learning. There is nothing boring about learning. I would categorize myself as one that really dislikes history and yet I find myself spending literally hours researching home work assignments online, learning about historical movements and philosophies and I'm really engaged in it. Who would have guessed? Certainly not I. The really cool thing is that I'm finding that I'm able to pull concepts and material I learned from prior courses (like Humanities, Literature, and Death & Dying) into my learning in this course. It's a really cool thing to see the pieces of a puzzle fitting together nicely in terms of lessons learned. I really love learning. I am happy today. I think it's because I am learning and because my instructor has let me know that I'm meeting expectations. Today is a good day.

Gran Torino

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to see Gran Torino. This film was superb. I think we all probably know an old man like this. And I think many of us know of families like his too unfortunately. It was a real delight to see the goodness in this crotchety ol'koot. Who says an old dog can't learn new tricks? I came away from this film thoroughly entertained and a bit hopeful that diversity can be embraced more fully in our society. Clint did a fine job.

Another Limerick

I do?

It's the day, the hour and minute
You realize you did, but you didn't
You married for "love"
Don't fit like a glove
You made your own bed, now you're in it!

A New Page Turned

"A New Page Turned"
2004

Staring at my bed, knowing I will be alone in it for quite some time. A strange feeling washes over me, a sense of freedom and of loss. How I stayed in such abuse for such a long time still perplexes me. Was it love? No. It was always about domination and control. It was never as much about me as it was about building him up. So now I am out of the closet so to speak. The veil pulled back to reveal the extent of my elaborate facade. Such a mixture of humiliation and relief, telling friends and family that my "perfect marriage" was nothing less than smoke and mirrors. And so it was, I struck out on this new adventure of independence and automony, in search of self-identity and a means of healing the damage done over the past fifteen years. A new page is turned.

Memories of a Lost Little Girl

Barefoot
Padding softly through my mind
Memories warm and familiar
Comfortable
Colored trinkets
With which my mind plays
Lovely toys
That occupy my time
Sweet sorrow
A lullaby
That leads my soul to weep
And hope eternal
To find her whole
To love and cherish

Battlestar Galactica Mid-Season Premier

Looking forward to a night at the Drafthouse with friends next week to enjoy the mid-season premier of Battlestar Galactica. Jason and I have been watching this show many seasons now. Cool that we get to do this at the drafthouse too!

Beacon

And thru the fog, I see you
Standing softly
Waiting patiently
So resolute in yourself
How I long for that freedom
A crossroads in the fog
To stand for myself
Untainted by the winds that blow
A flame so true
And beyond doubt
To burn for its own sake
Instead of for others
A comfort you are
Standing just outside the fog
A beacon calling
The dream is real
You need only step beyond the fog
And stand
Softly
Patient and true