Happy Birthday, Literally.

It was my 45th birthday yesterday. I've been telling people I am 45 since the new year rolled in, thinking that it would ease the mental blow when the actual day arrived.  I had irrational visions of dinosaurs, shrunken granny-smith apple-heads, and denture cream.  Oddly enough, if I had to pick a day to repeat, like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, I'd happily repeat yesterday.

Most people would probably like to repeat something closer to their 25th birthday, I'd imagine. But not me.  It's pretty incredible to look back 20 years and see just how drastically my life has changed, how I have changed.  At 25, I was already married 5 years, has an extremely disabled 2 year old son who had just come home from the hospital on life support with near around the clock nursing care. I worked full time as a computer programmer, was the primary breadwinner, simultaneously putting myself through online university, caring for my son as best a new parent can without a medical background and I saw no real change coming down the pike in my situation any time soon.  I surely felt the world on my shoulders from the first moment I awoke in the morning until the moment my exhausted head hit the pillow each night.

Looking back, I don't really now how I did it.  I suspect all parents of extremely special needs children likely ponder this at some point.  But you do what you need to do, taking one step in front of the next, breathing in and out, checking each responsibility off your list as they're completed, be everything you're capable of being at that moment, often forgetting about your own needs, and not looking too far forward because it would be overwhelming. What a roller-coaster ride those years were!

Today, my life is irrecognizable.  I've divorced and re-married. My son has passed away after outliving life expectancy estimates by nearly 2 decades.  I've moved across the country to warmer weather and a better economy.  I've completed my education, as far as I wish to pursue university.  I moved into a new industry professionally: video games. I dabble at all sorts of creative arts including my lifelong dream of writing a novel.  I play video games, and walk my dogs, and lay in the sun by my pool reading my Kindle.  But most importantly, in 2009 I discovered my Passion Drummer, and I learned how to be happy.  It's been little steps here and there, so my new life has sort of crept up on me, but not in a bad sense.  Gradual changes are usually felt with less direct recognition.  Often, as a result, they are not as explicitly appreciated.

But last night, as I sat at a restaurant, holding hands with my husband, making goo-goo eyes at one another, and saying mushy things that I shall not repeat,  I was presented with a birthday dessert with a candle.  Thankfully the waiter didn't sing; it was a nice restaurant. As I prepared to blow out my candle, I thought of what my birthday wish should be, as I've done more times than a 45 year old cares to admit.  And, when I blew out that candle, my wish was to have my 45th year full of days just like that very day: happy.

It didn't strike me as poignant at the time.  It wasn't until I was tucked into bed and fading into sleep that I realized how special that birthday wish was.  I wasn't wanting for anything more.  I wasn't feeling that something was missing in my life.  I was fulfilled, engaged, at peace, and happy in that moment, on that day, in this life. What an incredible realization.  It brought tears of joy to my eyes.

There was a time when I truly feared that I would never find that elusive lasting happiness that we all seem to seek in corporate america and beyond. I was so driven, so responsible, so accomplished, and yet so haunted by what I felt I still lacked in my life.  I am so very grateful to lay that personal fear to rest and to have no time in my world for such notions now.  It was indeed the best birthday I could have possibly hoped to have.  As I drifted off to sleep, I thought of the love and happiness that I felt in such abundance and I asked the universe to take up my surplus to share with those in need, those like me back when I was 25.  Yes, it's probably a very new-age thing to think, but I did, and it felt good, so very good.


 

First Impressions

Perhaps my biggest ally...AND my biggest enemy is my first impression.  They say that first impressions are all important.  That when we meet someone for the first time, we determine in very short order how we've sized that person up.  In my case, I've been told on numerous occasional by plenty of people that I make a, well, formidable, for lack of a better word, first impression.  Now in a job interview, legal, or professional venue, this serves me quite well.  I apparently come off as intelligent, self-confident, competent, assertive, driven, strong and direct.  Okay, well that sounds good, I suppose.

But now I'm meeting the neighbor lady who is a stay-at-home mom with a slew of kids in tow, and I think that assessment of the first impression becomes less "intelligent, self-confident, competent, assertive, driven, strong and direct" and more "know-it-all, arrogant, better-than-everyone-else, bossy, over-achieving, over-bearing, and pushy" first impression.  I've always wished that I could change this about myself.  Wishing that I could tone down my forceful personality to suit the receptive energies of the audience that was before me, however, isn't going to change anything.  I tend to alienate myself from people unknowingly.  Perhaps it is a protection mechanism that I developed and honed because of how brutally shy I was as a young person especially since we moved every year or two? Perhaps I am trying to present myself as strongly as possible out of fear of rejection?  Perhaps I internalized the same behavior I saw in my mother? I don't know.

It was never so strikingly clear to me, the impact my first impression had on those I met, as it was after my ex-husband and I separated after a 15-year marriage.  It was a devastating experience for me, and I lost my emotional footing for several weeks.  During that time, I noted that strangers that I met were so much friendlier to me.  Not just friendly, but open, helpful, happy, nice, and they even interacted with me longer.  It was the oddest experience, to have people act so nice to me.  I was perplexed, but with the emotional rug pulled out from underneath me as it was, I didn't have the personal resources to really look at it in depth at the time.  As I started healing/recovering, people started behaving normally when I met them again...more abrasive, less warm and friendly, more closed, more rigid, and briefer interactions.  It totally bummed me out.  I would love to be able to change that first impression back to that time, but without the emotional breakdown of course.

The only other time that I've found this to be less of a issue is when I'm doing my passion drummer stuff.  When I'm taking classes and am learning, some of this negative first impression apparently falls away because I meet many more people that are friendly toward me.  I am not conscious of the change in my personality when I'm following my passions, but others obviously are.  This is also true when I'm teaching.  It's strange.

For those that move beyond the first impression, and do become my friends, many have eventually confided that I was not the person they originally thought me to be.  My tough, impersonal, arrogant first impression isn't who I really am at the core of things, to those closest to me. But I sure wish I could figure out how to alter the first impression that I make.  I've changed an incredible amount of things in my life, and I hope that this will be no different.  I just need to figure out how and that's not a simple thing, at least not for me.

Therefore, just so you know, if you aren't yet my friend, keep in mind that my book doesn't really match my cover. But I'm working on that!

Where's Tracy and What Happened to "2010 - The Year of Body"?

While 2010 is quickly coming to a close, I've realized that I hadn't really finished my work with "2009 The Year of Happiness" in 2009.  I had hoped this year would be about taking care of the physical me (2010 - The Year of All Things Physical), but I'm finding that my focus was continually brought back to the happiness factor.  Since I didn't really find my passion drummer until October of last year, it's just now been a full year that I've been exploring this new window through which I see my world.  It has profoundly changed me and it continues to do so.  My work.  My play.  My relationships.  But mostly my happiness.

What I've learned over this time of self-exploration is more of what I already knew.  I am creative.  I love to learn.  I love to problem solve.  I am social.  I like to perform.  I like to teach.  I like to write.  Nothing new, but somehow it's all more fulfilling now.  Why?  Possibly because it's not just a hypothetical discussion any longer.  Now it's part of who I am, what I do, where I focus my attention, and where I find personal fulfillment.  It's less about where I live, what I drive, how much I earn (don't get me wrong, living comfortably is important but it alone does not equate to happiness), and less about what others expect of me (the parent, the mate, the daughter, the employee, etc.) and more about did I have fun today, did I learn today, did I do something that I found personally fulfilling and do I have plans to do so again soon. 

I'm reading again.  That has me wanting to write again.  I've joined an aspiring writers group.  I have an idea for a novel that's been knocking around in my head since 2002.  I am excited to think that I may actually start writing it at some point.  I have wonderful friends who've volunteered to read my work and give me feedback.  I'm surrounding myself with the things that will nurture me and my creative writing.  It feels good.

I'm teaching for the first time.  I didn't go looking for it.  It came to me from no action of my own control, a teacher approached me and asked if I might like to teach.  I agreed to try it.  And I found I love it.  I love designing the classes, planning them out, drafting the instruction literature, preparing samples, and creating a class environment where students can relax, have fun, learn, and laugh.  I didn't seek this out, but I did honestly pursue what I love to do and, as I have predicted, the universe provides me with experiences that are rich and fulfilling in return.  How very Zen.

I continue to take classes on subjects all over the board. I continue to meet others like me that love to express themselves in creative ways and love to learn.  I am still toying around with my http://www.classaddicts.com/ social network and hope to have a workable format soon.

I don't know if I want to put a theme to 2011.  I'm not driven like that any longer.  It doesn't seem like much fun. If you know me, you understand that I've never been an under-achiever and that's not likely to change any time soon.  However, I don't need control of myself like I felt I needed to before.  I'm just enjoying the ride and working hard at having fun so I'm totally prepared for the next big wave that comes my way.  Life is the journey, stopping to smell the roses isn't an item on my to-do list but a way of living, and I'm excited about my future!  I'm pretty sure it will be better than I could dream up and put into reality on my own with a checklist, a goal, or a "2011- The Year of  ".

Genuine Curiosity, No Expectations, and No Judgments

In my last post, I talked about how day-to-day life demands can cloud your focus on passion/happiness/success. I realized recently that my title for that entry talked about something else that wasn't really touched upon in that blog post and that was the "Genuine Curiosity, No Expectations, and No Judgments" piece.

I was, and still am to a point, a goal-oriented person. I like to set goals, tackle them and achieve them. I used to look at my progress in that regard as a measure of success. I don't any longer (at least not like I used to), but I understand that a lot of people still do (and that isn't a bad thing). One thing that was a negative stimulus in my life (prior to finding my passion drummer) was that I pursued my goals with verve and tenacity, but also stock full with expectations. I also found myself evaluating my progress with judgment in terms of typical measures of success toward that goal. More times than not, I felt like I didn't quite hit the expectation that I anticipated and I felt bad about that. In the end, enough was never enough, because my expectations could never be truly achieved as they were born in my mind's eye.

My life is different now because I go into each new experience with the goal of having fun. As I've said before, I know that sounds like a pretty simplistic goal, and it is...but it's more difficult to do than it sounds...because of the things I was talking about in the last blog post (daily life demands clouding my focus and distracting me). I've found that if my measuring device for whether an experience was a success was the degree of fun that I had, I didn't feel the need to judge myself as a success or failure. That was a liberating experience for me. I didn't beat myself up for having fun, and I didn't beat myself up for not having fun, I just made the decision of continuing in that direction based on whether I had fun. So it wasn't as important to me if I failed or succeeded in the actual goal, but whether I enjoyed the process. I didn't set expectations on being number 1 or making "$$$" or achieving XYZ, because the expectation was to have fun. I gravitate to those things that I find enjoyable and as a result I naturally excel then without it being "work"...because it is FUN. And I go into an experience without a preconceived idea of what will be at the end of the experience, but just go into it with genuine curiosity. If I have passion to simply explore something, that will, in my opinion, bring me much closer to a positive experience than visualizing a specific agenda, expectation and end result will.

So the next time you enter into an experience, particularly one that you've tried before without much "success", try bringing a different set of tools with you: Genuine Curiosity, No Expectations, and No Judgments. Within that process, pursue what you find enjoyable, where you are naturally curious, and don't push yourself into areas that just don't feel as fun to you. If you have to judge yourself during the process, then the measure you should judge against is simply whether you're having fun. It doesn't matter if you came in dead last, if you came out of the experience at a loss (financial or otherwise), or if you didn't achieve your goal at all. If you measure your emotional experience to the situation, your level of enjoyment, instead of those typical measures, you may find a very different conclusion. And that could be a very good thing.

Don't Let Daily Life Cloud Your Focus on Following Passion with Genuine Curiosity, No Expectations, and No Judgments

Following your passion with genuine curiosity, no expectations, and no judgments is easier said than done. All too often everyday life gets in the way, muddying the waters, so that you lose sight of those things that truly get you excited. But when you can regain and maintain focus on your passions, the ROI is amazing.

Shortly after my last blog post, I took a new job. About a month into the first project to which I was assigned with this new client, I was already getting very positive feedback from my peers as well as the business area for which I was delivering solutions. I was working hard and getting recognition. The old me would have thought this was a successful situation and would have stayed put but not the new me. My new passion drummer focus had my early warning detectors going off like DEFCON1. I wasn't happy. Sure I was being "successful" and I was exceeding expectations, and I was making a name for myself within the company quickly. I liked the people I was working with, I was making good money, and I had all the skills I needed to succeed in this job. But still I wasn't happy. Why? Because I wasn't having fun. I realized that I was doing work that I was quite capable of doing, but that wasn't personally fulfilling. I am a creative person and I realized the work I was doing was not providing me with a creative outlet and as a result I felt unfulfilled. I went to the account rep and told him (in a very PC way) that I wasn't happy, clearly expressed what I needed to be happy, and let them know in a very tactful way that I would be looking for work elsewhere if things remained as they were. Pretty gutsy move for a new hire. Oddly enough, it didn't feel uncomfortable doing this. I felt like this was the only way to move forward. It was this matter of fact situation, and I was going to do whatever I needed to do to find happiness. I fully intended on finding a different job and tendering my resignation. To my surprise, the account rep and hiring manager both committed to having me moved to a different project in under 1 week's time. The new project is allowing me a high degree of creative expression, learning, and problem solving. Yes, I'm still getting all the traditional success measures that I got in my last project, but now I was personally fulfilled. I was happy. I was following my passion. I was loving my work. I'm also getting some different comments now too, about how my passion for my work was infectious. When you are living a life of passion, when you are doing what you love, others notice it. The lesson I learned here is that the universe just keeps reinforcing that I'm on the correct path.

Happiness Today

While reading The Happiness Project blog, a remnant of my 2009 Year of Happiness, I found this quote:

“In the long run men hit only what they aim at. Therefore, though they should fail immediately, they had better aim at something high.”
-- Henry David Thoreau

The first thing that came to mind was that I don't think goals are as necessary as all that in my new way of thinking. Then it dawned on me. I realized something that a friend of mine, Curtis, has said to me on a number of occasions at AFS functions. But I didn't really grasp his message until this moment.

Most people are so busy trying to be successful (in this I mean the traditional definitions of success), that they are missing the big picture. My lightbulb moment, back in October of '09, when I found my passion drummer, had me thinking that I didn't need goals anymore. The first part of Thoreau's quote (above) hits on that. We only hit what we aim for. And my thought on that was that we LIMIT ourselves by only following the goals we've set for ourselves. But I think what Curtis was trying to tell me was that I have a goal still, it's just different from my old goals. My goal now is happiness.

While success has a very different meaning to me now in the realm of the passion drummer, than it did in the goal-oriented world I once lived, I do acknowledge now that I'm still "technically" focused on a goal. The goal however is extremely simplistic. Deceptively so, I might add. The goal is: "Have Fun" or perhaps "Be Happy." Now, I'm not trying to be cheeky here. It's really that simple. And it works. I've seen it, and am just now experiencing full circle, and I have to say it's amazing, almost effortless after you get into the swing of this mindset. I feel like a "get rich quick" salesperson as I say this, but the fact of the matter is that I'm not selling anything except an idea. And that idea is that you can be happy without all the trapping of traditional success, or maybe even IN SPITE OF all the trappings of traditional success. Money doesn't buy you happiness. Success doesn't buy you happiness. Why? Because it's the other way around. Happiness IS success.

So, back to Thoreau's quote. Paraphrased. You only hit what you aim for. So you better aim high.

What dawned on me is that my goal is now single-minded: to have "fun." All I want to do is enjoy life, to be happy. I don't really care how much money I make, or what car I drive, or what neighborhood I live in (although if I have the means, I do enjoy comfort and luxury just like everyone else, but I don't "need" it to be happy/successful). I also don't really care if I'm doing what other people think I should be doing, oh say like getting my Master's Degree, or starting my own business, or being a better parent, or getting married, or focusing on something (any one thing) and stop taking so many damned classes on so many damned subjects. I don't care. I will do what makes me happy. I will do what I think is right. I have a moral compass just like everyone else, and I will do what I need to do for me to be happy, for me to enjoy waking up each morning, for me to look forward to tomorrow and not regret yesterday. How? It didn't happen overnight obviously, and I think I've been on this journey for longer than just 2009 the Year of Happiness, but I don't think I was ready for 2009 the Year of Happiness until 2009. What I did was remake my life, my world, into something that excites me, that I can be passionate about. Is every element of my life bliss? Hell no. As my friend, Roger, so eloquently put it: "you still have to take out the garbage every Thursday." No one finds passion in taking the trash to the curb each week (I hope that's fair to say), but it's a maintenance task of life, like many of the things we do repeatedly, which may, for many of us living in or coming from the goal-oriented world, include our work/jobs.

Look for people that you know that absolutely LOVE their work, not just fake it well, but really truly LOVE it. You'll know these people by your intense desire to smack them for their cheeriness when you're having a bad day...sorry, Roger! Those people have been dancing to their passion drummer, or more succinctly been making choices that allow them to have fun and be happy for most, if not all, of their adult lives. These people have jobs they love, not usually because they focused on a goal and accomplished it (say going to school to learn a profession and a lot of grueling hard work) but because they led a life of passion and they put out that passionate energy into the universe with every step they took and (since we reap what we sow) it came back to them in the form of opportunities that they loved, work they loved, and people they loved to be around.

So I agree with Thoreau's quote ultimately. But I believe aiming high means to look at today and make choices that make YOU happy, do things that YOU find fun, focus on things YOU have passion for, and find new and unusual ways of dealing with the other stuff (those maintenance tasks of life) so they no longer rule your world (and make you unhappy in the process). If you do that everyday, your life with be transformed. Maybe not this month, or even this year, but it will be transformed, and you will be happier.

I used to think it was selfish and irresponsible and immature and all kinds of negative things when I heard messages like this, and you might feel that way too. But I can tell you from experience that I was tied into a life that I hated and was putting me into an early grave from the stress of it all, and I saw literally no way out, even after years of psychotherapy trying to determine why I my life was the way it was. But now, I'm happy. I made hard decisions that didn't make me popular with a lot of people in my life, but those people weren't very happy anyway. The people that really mattered understood what I was doing and why, even when I wasn't sure myself. Those people are happy, and are happy for me. Those were the "keepers" and they are still a part of my life. And I'm better because of them.

Do I still have negative people in my life? Yes. However, those people are limited in my world, and I cut them off when they start pouring their negative waters into my boat. I don't need it and I don't want it and I don't have to take it and I don't care what other people think of me for saying that. Yes, I'll help people in need, those that know me know that I'm the person they can call when they have something really unpleasant that they need to work through. But negativity is another animal, like cancer and I don't cultivate friendships with anyone that swims in those waters. The people I'm attracted to now are passionate, fun and happy, and they are attracted to my passion as well. I'm so happy to be where I am and I hope that I can help you find what I stumbled upon with my passion drummer.

So in the spirit of Thoreau, aim high, aim high TODAY. Find ways to be happy. Find fun. Find a little happiness in this day. It's there, you just need to find it. Do it today, tomorrow, and next week. Keep doing it. Focus on fun. Cultivate fun. Don't forget your "day job" (or you might get fired) but don't let those maintenance tasks of life consume you and bring you down any more. Focus on the stuff that gets you excited. Before you know it, you'll have a job that's more bearable (and it may even be the job/industry you're in now believe it or not!). You'll have friends that make you feel great. You'll have days filled with passion. And the universe will provide you with new and unexpected ways to continue exploring your passions. And your goals will no longer be self-limiting. Try it out. Give it time. Cultivate the mindset. Success in Happiness is worth it.

"2009 - The Year of Happiness" In Retrospect

Well, 2009 has come and gone. My focus this past year was happiness. I knew I wanted to find happiness like Jason maintains daily and I hoped a year of exploration and self-discovery would get me closer to finding that elusive thing called happiness. I knew I had tendencies toward being a serious and driven individual and that being happy seemed to come in brief spurts ever so often and that they never were really satisfying in a sustained way. I knew I was doing something wrong, but I thought I could devise some sort of checklist that would show me the path to happiness and it was right around the corner.

I spent the first three quarters of 2009 basically fooling myself into thinking I was happy or at least happier. I focused on things like getting rid of the clutter in my life, you know those low urgency/low importance tasks? I focused on getting more organized, this from the organizational queen. HA! I focused on simplifying my life and getting rid of those pesky "energy drains." I focused on finding closure on areas of my life that weren't quite working for me any longer, selling a house and committing to finally complete my bachelor's degree. I focused on acting like I was happy, the whole "fake it 'til you make it" approach. I thought I'd made real progress and I even blogged about it all the way into September.

Then in October, I had a lightbulb moment that changed my life. I found my passion drummer. Blog entries began pouring out of me, one after the other. I'm not exactly sure what happened that day. Perhaps it was as easy as me giving myself permission to really see the world from the simplistic value system required to find happiness on a daily basis. Perhaps it was devine intervention. Whatever the case, I'm a changed individual. Although I still find myself falling back into my old familiar goal-driven thoughts and behaviors, when I start "feeling the ugly" it yanks me right back to the passion drummer. I can and will continue to cultivate my happiness now that I realize that it's all up to me. It's a choice.

Jason didn't think I'd ever really get it. In fact, he thought I didn't want to get it. More to the point, it wasn't that I didn't get it, or didn't want to get it, it was that I dismissed the simplicity of the passion drummer as not sophisticated enough for my complicated life. What a silly silly goal-driven person I was being. I spun around in the mouse wheel of the goal-driven way of life with cyclical highs and lows and couldn't figure out why I was feeling unfulfilled. Now it's as easy for me to identify this in others as the color of someone's eyes.

It has changed so much about how I see my world. I used to love movies with a lot of drama but now see that so many of those stories are simply about passion drummer roles clashing with goal driven roles. Those stories use to hold such complex paradoxes for me and now they are obvious and uninteresting. But other movies that I would have thought stupid or bizarre, now help me see and redefine my world in ways that I wasn't capable of understanding before.

I never found "that one passion" and I've decided to abandon such a expectation-laden goal. Instead, I now just pursue those things that I find enjoyment in. Those pursuits are all over the board. Creative Writing. Sewing/Quilting. Web Development. Yoga. Knitting. Hiking. Weaving. Gaming (mostly MMORPGS and Wii Fit although Jason can get me to play Modern Warfare 2 co-op if I'm drunk enough HA!). Reading. Dance. Home improvements (next project is installing laminate flooring in the main bedroom). Pottery. Jewelry making. Movies. Maybe running (after my toe nail grows out). And I may decide to pursue a game development degree but that is still a ways off. The one constant is my love of learning something new. I still get bored quickly but now I don't judge myself for that. I just move on to the next thing that excites me and gets my passion drummer beating a little faster. I'm happy at home. I'm happy at work. I'm happy.

In the end, I stumbled upon happiness in a debate in the back seat of a car with a co-worker. I'll be forever grateful to Barton, Roger and Jason for being the catalysts to that light-bulb moment. The beauty of the themed year approach is that I have incorporated this knowledge and behavior into my life and it is now a part of who I am. It's not just some task, some check list item, that is done and forgotten. I've changed. I've grown. And that is priceless.

What's in store for 2010? That's coming up next. I've already focused many years on "mind" and "spirit" themes. This new year is going to be dedicated to "body." It's health and fitness and everything physical. I have been neglecting my physical being for quite some time and I have decided I need to give the physical me some love and attention.

I Passed My Happiness Final Exam

I do not make New Year resolutions. Instead I pick a theme for each year and I try to focus and explore that area throughout the year. I've had The Year of Friendship, The Year of Simplicity, The Year of Organization, The Year of Autonomy, The Year of Education, The Year of Closure, and the list goes on. I've been doing this for over 15 years now and I come away each year with new insight and a better understanding of myself at the very least.

Last year my theme was: "2009 - The Year of Happiness." As my blog posts here illustrate, I've been quite focused on the topic of happiness this past year. I'm very "happy" with the progress I've made this year, pardon the pun. This year was the first year however where I've felt like I was put to the test at year end to evaluate my progress. Here's what happened:

Unbeknown to me, on the cusp of my long-awaited holiday vacation, I was walking into a pop quiz for my "2009-Year of Happiness" quest. Well, it was more like a final exam really. Year end and all.

When I say that happiness is a choice, I am serious, as serious as a heart attack. My pre-vacation events had all the ingredients for a major holiday disaster. With my newfound passion drummer though, everything worked out with top marks across the board. Okay, minus one ill-begotten Trivial Pursuit game, but let's not go there.

We had a 6am flight out of town to visit my boyfriend Jason's relatives. I calculated that we needed to leave the house by 4:30am to make it through the hectic holiday queue at the airport and check-in on time. Jason usually goes to bed around this time so he said he was just going to stay up and sleep on the plane. I had worked that day and had spent that evening installing and programming a new keypad deadbolt and locking handle-set on the front door (a mover had recently broken our deadbolt and it needed to be replaced before we headed out of town). I was tired so I told him I was going to take a nap and could he please wake me up at around 3am so I could have plenty of time to pack my bag and get ready. I didn't think to set a backup alarm (see where this is heading??)

Yep, I woke up shortly after 4:30am. I'm not exactly sure what woke me up, perhaps one of the dogs? I tore around the bedroom and bath like a lunatic on speed trying to get ready and packed as a single desperate and haphazard act. I figured Jason was upstairs, asleep in the Lazyboy, with his packed bag by his side. I was wrong, on both counts. He was upstairs playing Modern Warfare 2 and he appeared to have been there all night. That game rocks, don't get me wrong. But my first reaction was not to give him a kiss and say "No big deal." The "old" goal-oriented Tracy would have gone postal on his gameside, if you get my meaning.

Now I must admit my first reaction was to go off on him. I was tired and freaking out about missing our flight. I knew there was no possible way we were going to get him dressed, packed, and make the 45 minute drive to the airport in time to make that flight. Boarding started at 5:40am and it was already past 5am. I threw his clothes from the dryer into his back-pack while he got ready. We arrived at the airport at 6am on the dot. We probably heard the jets of our plane as it left the runway.

During the drive to the airport, I realized I had a decision to make. I could be upset and mad and anxious and stressed about the situation we were now in. I could analyze and point fingers and lecture until Jason's emotional state matched my own. In other words, I could do the same old thing I'd always done in similar situations. Or, I realized, I could listen to my passion drummer. I am fortunate that I'd already honed my skills at finding the elusive beat of the passion drummer that always, without fail, leads me to happiness. So I stopped for a moment and listened. I looked at Jason. I felt the love that I have for him. I chuckled at his at times irresponsible and boyish ways that landed us in an unfortunate game of stand-by at the airport two days before Christmas. I acknowledged that it was this very same pervasive focus on having fun of his that I'd fallen in love with, that had in a manner of speaking saved me from myself and a life of stress and self-imposed obligation and super-human responsibilities and ultimately an early grave. I realized I was extremely fortunate to be with him, living the new life I'd crafted for myself after much pain and turmoil, and that spending this holiday with him was more important than where we spent the holiday. It was Christmas time and I was in love. Who could ask for more than that? I thought about how happy I was. And, there it was, I was happy!

We got standby vouchers for the next flight out, which was heading to Denver. As luck would have it we got on that flight because it had been delayed for a few hours and several passengers had transferred to other flights so they could catch their connecting flights. We weren't sitting together but we didn't care. We were on our way.

When we got to Denver it was snowing and the airport was at capacity. All flights were booked. It was a mad house. But I was with Jason and we were having fun, even if we weren't quite sure if we would be spending the holiday in Denver or in Eugene, Oregon. When I told the airline rep that we were both on stand-by and that we wanted to be kept together, she looked stressed and said there was no way she could promise we would sit together. I quickly laughed and said "No, No! We don't care where we sit, we just want to be on the same plane!" She looked surprised and relieved for a split second before she reestablished the standard airline face. I was happy and nice and I guess that wasn't something she was used to in a stand-by passenger during the holidays. There were a lot of people holding standby vouchers, but she wasn't listing stand-by names on the overhead display. I was pretty certain we weren't getting on even with our having no checked luggage. The gate was standing room only. As the last group boarded she hadn't called a single stand-by passenger name. I walked up to her and asked what I needed to do to get on the next stand-by flight. As she grabbed passenger boarding passes and scanned them for Group 4, she said, "You automatically get put on the next stand-by list."  Then she looked up and said, wait, you're the couple right? I nodded. She said, "I want you to stick around. I'm going to try to get you on." And she did. Not only that, but we even got to sit together. Can you believe that?

When we arrived in Eugene, we found out that the rental car company had canceled our reservation when we didn't come in on the 10am flight, it was now around 5pm. We didn't get upset but instead just asked for her help. They didn't have any cars left, so she called down and found out there was a car that was just returned and was being cleaned. We waited 5 minutes or so for them to finish cleaning it and they even drove it up curbside for us, so we didn't even have to walk!

The rest of the vacation was delightful. I finally got to meet Jason's twin brother, Sean, along with a couple cousins, Jenny and Rufus, I had not yet met. It was simply an amazing time. Sean is extremely entertaining and he also makes one mean martini! And Jason, who hates his picture taken, even let me snap of picture of him with Santa Claus when he showed up to hand out presents to the kids on Christmas Eve. Unfortunately, the kids missed seeing Santa take off from the roof with his sleigh and reindeer although they were all outside looking, and Sean reappeared shortly thereafter from upstairs after helping Santa prepare for his rooftop take off. Thanks Santa!! I can't wait to visit again. I also finally got to see Dinah's magnificent addition she made to her house and the meals were simply out of this world. Oh, and the wine!! Yummy.

Looking back at the holiday, we had a marvelous time, but I honestly think it was the passion drummer that made it happen. Had we been stressed and short with the travel professionals we encountered, I seriously doubt we'd have made those flights...particularly the Denver flight. You reap what you sow, as the saying goes. If you put out positive (happy) energy, and you have no set expectations, good things come. They may not always be what you wanted, or thought you needed, but you will get good things. In this case, it happened to be what we wanted too, but like I said, that isn't really the point. The point is that we followed our passion, we maintained happiness during an uncertain time and good things followed.

So it was, two days before Christmas, I was handed my final exam for the 2009 Year of Happiness quest, and I'm proud to announce that I passed with flying colors.

Julie and Julia

I watched the movie "Julie and Julia" recently. I loved it. Of course I loved it. It's about women who follow their passions and one of them shares my passion for writing! It left me wanting for my own blog that was filled with purpose and passion like Julie's. The movie is about Julie, who wanted some focus in her life and decided to cook all of the recipes in one of Julia Child's cookbooks in a single year (no small feat). I loved it in concept and in execution. It not only entertained me, it inspired me. How I act on that inspiration is yet to be determined, but it has me thinking for certain.

I often find myself without a cause, desperately wanting to write but without inspiration. It's like a lightbulb in the dark...without electricity, so close and yet so far. I love to write. I really love to write. Am I any good at it? I don't particularly care how talented I am at it. It's a passion. So I blog. But blogs have themes, don't they? Shouldn't they? And Menagerie Mind has no focus?? It's my personal brain dumping ground. Instead of deciding upon a focus, I'm all over the place, wherever the wind or whim seems to take me.

Do I need a focus? Do I need an audience? I don't know if it matters to me at present. But they are good questions to explore.

Meeting New People

I realized something very important recently. I've always been good at making friends with people that had interests similar to mine, but had struggled with finding an effective way of connecting with people with whom I did not identify in any meaningful way. There are a few people that I know that are passion-drummer people (these are not status-conscious socialites) that seem to make friends with most everyone they meet. I think I've figured out how they do it. When they meet someone new, instead of looking for common interests like I do, they look for a person's passions. They ask open-ended questions that truly seek to find out what a person's passions are. Questions like, "What do you do for fun?" and "What are your hobbies?" When the person starts to "light up" about a topic, they know they've found a topic of passion. After this, it's just a matter of asking effective questions related to that person's interests. They learn about the really important things about the people they meet..at least in terms of passion that is. And these people come away from the introduction feeling cared about and of interest and in that way the people come away liking them because they made them feel good. These people felt good not because they pounced upon them with flattery, but because they took genuine interest in them. I always thought it had to be a topic of personal interest to me for that to happen. I now know that it's less about topics that interest me and more about finding something of passion to them. When that other person is talking about their passion, you can't help but feel the change in the person's energy. It is a positive energy that cannot be faked. Oddly enough, their passion, whether the topic is of interest to me or not, is of interest to me almost always (unless it violates a core value of mine). So I learned something really valuable today. Find the passion in others is the most important thing I can do when I meet a person for the first time. And every time I do, we'll both come away from a positive experience.

My Bachelor's Degree Journey

Today is the beginning of a new dawn for me. You see, today, I completed the final exams for my last two classes to complete my Bachelor Degree. I understand this wouldn't be a big deal for a lot of individuals. My situation is a bit different. My parents were not college graduates. My grandparents were not college graduates. In fact, no one in my direct family had completed a four-year degree and only one other had completed an Associate Degree as I have. No money was set aside for education for me growing up. No evaluation or relevance was placed on my report cards either. My good grades went largely unnoticed. No expectations were set that I'd go to college and make something of myself. None of that existed in my adolescent world.

Luckily, I had a stepfather that gave me some priceless advice after the fifth grade about succeeding in school as a means of escaping the cycle of dependence to which all the females in my family had prescribed before me, actually, he just asked me if I wanted to end up like my mother...with a man because she needed him and not necessarily because she loved him. He said I could have the things a man could provide all on my own, if I went to school and got good grades...and went to college and got good grades...and got a good job and made my own money so I could marry a man because I loved him and not because I "needed" him financially. He changed my life albeit in a bit of a heartless fashion for a 5th grad girl. I'd taken his message to heart and started getting good grades the following school year. Straight A's in fact. Apparently, all I really ever needed was someone to tell me that it was important and that they believed I could do it. Odd how the encouragement of elders can impact a young mind...never underestimate that.

Although I never applied for any scholarship or expected any type of assistance, I paid for my Associate Degree and Bachelor Degree myself or via my employer's benefit packages and continued to take classes and consistently made the Dean's List.

I got married while completing my Associate Degree. Shortly thereafter, after my son was born, things became a bit more complicated. He was seriously disabled, and spend the first year and a half in the NICU. I worked full time to support my family as the primary breadwinner. We eventually brought my son home, requiring full time nursing home-care. I managed 18 nurses in my home, medications, hospitalizations, medical supply inventories, out-patient therapies, home schooling, nurse home-care scheduling. training, and managing as well as sharing uncovered nursing shifts to care for my son.

Somehow through all of that, I never gave up my goal of completing a Bachelor Degree. Call me determined...or insane.

Over the years, things have changed "a bit" for me. I've realized that I was a bit unhealthy in way of personal relationships, primarily because I'd been raised in them and somehow thought they were normal. During a light-bulb moment back in 2003, I realized it actually was unhealthy, the way I was living. I affectionately refer to that portion of my life as my "living with the enemy" phase. I kept taking classes during that time amazingly enough. Of course my son's frequent hospitalizations required me to withdraw from classes on occasion. Still I remained on the honor roll. Even through my abuse laden divorce I continued to take classes when I could.

After everything, I've discovered this wonderful place in my life, where I've found a partner that loves me for me, who loves his life, makes a living doing what he'd do for free because he's so passionate about it, and who totally supports me in finding the same for myself. It took about 5 years of soul searching (with his tutelage) before I came to a point where I allowed the same for myself. That's when I found my "passion drummer". After which, oddly enough, I found that homework toward a degree that wasn't remotely close to relevant to my passions in life of writing and self-expression was less than fulfilling and more closely equivalent to a root canal on a tooth.

But we both agreed that it was silly for me not to complete a degree where merely two classes remained between me and a graduation ceremony. These last two classes have been very educational for me. First, I learned how much I detested taking courses on topics that I held no passion for. Second, I learned how little I really needed to expend in terms of time and effort to attain an "A" in these classes. I really shouldn't admit how little I needed to learn to complete these final courses with grades of A's. On one hand I was upset because I could have done this with ALL my classes instead of my typically over-achiever style in which I alienated myself from all other students in my class. On the other hand, I now was upset that I'd invested so much time on classes that really didn't mean a thing to me in terms of relevance to my passions and yet only provided me with a grade I might have easily achieved with my new "slacker-make-due" persona when it came to the maintenance tasks of life.

Well, no worse for the wear, I've completed those last two classes and I can gladly await my graduation ceremony in the spring (after things defrost up there). I'll be the first in my family to have made such an accomplishment. Yes, a bit anti-climatic being over 40. But still.

It's more than just checking something off my list, even in my new passion-is-king world. It's about following through even when it's painful because it makes "sense" irregardless of any passion status. I'll unlikely make this sort of "mistake" again any time soon. Yet, after all these years, I don't think I can say that I regret either the investment, nor the gratification that I have at this moment, as I drink from a glass of bubbly that's been sitting bottled on my wine rack for quite some time now awaiting this day.

Cheers.

The Seasons of Friendship

I've recently come to a realization about how my passion drummer is going to change my life. It comes with mixed emotion. I've read before that there is a season for all things. And in that fashion, friends move in and out of your life as they are relevant to your world. I've never been one that is good at letting go. I've been feeling a bit melancholy and realized (eventually) it was because I was letting go. It wasn't really a conscious decision, but like the closing of a chapter, I am finding that some relationships are not as compatible with my new passion-is-king outlook on life as perhaps I'd like them to be. As I focus on my passions, being the very social person that I am, I've naturally found myself wanting to share my time with others with similar passions. Oddly, I've been presented with situations since my passion drummer epiphany where I've been made fun of for following my passions. In other cases, I've been excluded from participating in activities that are directly related to my passions by people in my life that have similar interests. Both perplexing and hurtful, these encounters have been the catalyst for me to make a change. I have decided that I want to be around people that are just as excited about sharing their passions with me as I am with them. In my old goal and status driven world, I was able to overlook the incompatibilities and the little pissing contests that happened with friends. But now that isn't the case. When I find things becoming competitive, resulting in this conservative, judgemental and withholding stance by my friends I can no longer just ignore it. If it's not fun, and I can't freely share my passions, then I'm no longer engaged. I initially interpreted this behavior as rejection by my friends. Now I think it's more that I'm irritating them because they don't "get" this new me. Or perhaps it's more an issue of how I react to these situations now that I am in the passion drummer's world. After letting go a bit, I'm realizing it wasn't rejection as much as it was simply an inability of these people to meet me half way precisely because they didn't dance to the beat of the passion drummer. It's a sad realization on the one hand, but it is comforting at the same time. I'm free now to seek out new friendships cultivated in the ways of the passion drummer, where there is little room for competition because it's about passion and fun, and not about status and reach goals first. So slowly my melancholy turns to anticipation for what is to come in this new season of friendship.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

Today’s luncheon topic was about cultivating expertise. The take away, for me, from the session was that you don’t have to have innate talent to succeed as much as you do dedication to stick the time and energy into becoming world class at whatever it is you’ve chosen to do. Statistics were provided showing that it takes roughly 4 years of full-time personal investment to become an expert in any given field without regard for pre-existing talent. Other topics touched upon included: the idea of quitting too soon (not investing the time to develop the skills necessary to succeed), not getting appropriate feedback from someone qualified to provide it, and not cutting loose when you need to walk away (although there wasn’t a lot of discussion around what criteria would be used to determine when it IS time to cut loose.)

One idea I brought to the table of discussion today was the idea of intrinsic motivation. Like many people in our lunch group, I am used to achieving my goals. I tend to “like” whatever I’ve become good at, up to a point. However, the road to get to that place where I’m good has rarely been enjoyable. In that, I think I’ve been approaching things with the wrong perspective. I think instead, I should have been following what I enjoyed, until it wasn’t fun any longer, like Curtis has been doing. By vectoring, you learn about yourself, what you enjoy, who you enjoy it with, and what aspects of activities are the most rewarding to you on a personal level. There is something to be said about knowing thyself.

One of the great points touched upon today is that we are not static beings and as we grow we may often outgrow a passion or focus and need to look for greener pastures. On a similar note we discussed how an intended goal might not bring the rewards originally expected and anticipated.Many of us have reached where we set out to be only to find the place where we’ve arrived is not as fulfilling as we’d imagined (not from a traditional success perspective necessarily but from a personal satisfaction and happiness viewpoint). Even after we realize this though, we may feel we’ve invested too much to just walk away, even if it will make us happier. We get “tied in.” In my experience, I have usually spent too much time focusing on the goal line to really pay attention to things that I now see as key factors on what I need to determine when to cut loose.Unlike others today, who said they think they may have abandoned their efforts too soon in some situations, I have been the person that sees things through at all costs. Cutting loose has been something I’ve had difficulty doing because I thought it meant I failed somehow.

In this new world I’ve discovered where passion is king, I no longer have that problem. My first question will always be: Is this enjoyable? Even the work at getting good at something I’m not yet good at has to have an aspect of fun, or it isn’t likely where I want to be investing my time, at least not in terms of following my passion. If I focus my time on something and it’s a grind, it is unlikely I will ever find that work to be truly fulfilling and “fun”.No, not everything is joy joy, cotton candy, and bubble gum. Anything you want to accomplish involves a lot of time and effort to get good at it…apparently 4 full years worth. But if the work really feels like work, and isn’t personally enjoyable and fulfilling, I will seriously reconsider if that is something I want to invest in and I won’t feel bad about walking away from something that isn’t working for me. Sure, sticking with it will get me to the goal I’ve set and I’ll be good at it and reap the rewards it holds. But I don’t want to end up someplace that isn’t fun or fulfilling simply to reach a goal. I think I would likely have abandoned (cut loose) from many a particular venture had I been evaluating my progress based on how much enjoyment and satisfaction I was getting in the present moment. Conversely, I definitely would not have cut loose from other focuses (passions) that I abandoned at an early age, had I evaluated their worth and my investment in them based on how they made me feel. Somewhere along the road, I turned off my feelings meter and started evaluating my activities based on a different measuring stick, right or wrong. I’ve learned how to get where I set out to go, now I just have to make a point of making sure it’s a destination, or more accurately a journey, that keeps me happy.

Luck Is Where Preparation Meets Opportunity

A friend of mine told me recently that she didn’t think she’d ever have a “light-bulb moment” into happiness the way I did last month. She said she thought she’d have to work at it a long while before it happened for her. When she said it, she sounded a bit disappointed in that realization. It made me think about my situation and my light-bulb moment when I found the passion drummer.

After some reflection I came to the realization that my journey to happiness wasn’t overnight, but literally five years in the making. Happiness didn’t happen for me in a moment; although, the juxtaposition in my perspective did happen that way in my case.

Five years ago, I really thought I had it all. I was reasonably financially secure, had enjoyed academic and professional success, was respected by my peers, and had little difficulty in setting and achieving my goals. I felt fortunate and successful. Then I met Jason (who is now my partner.)

In our first conversations on Match.com, it was obvious to me that he viewed the world through a completely different set of glasses than I did. But opposites attract, and we had common interests that allowed us to connect on a few different levels.

I remember one of the first questions Jason asked me was: “What do you do for fun?”

I was like, “Fun? What do you mean? I work full-time as a database designer. I have a special needs child at home with around-the-clock nursing. I manage a staff of 18 nurses, hire, staff, train, schedule and deal with their personnel issues. I manage weekly inventories for medical supplies and pharmaceuticals. I coordinate occupational, physical, and speech outpatient therapies as well as home schooling. I take classes (as my son’s hospitalizations allow) at a local college toward an undergraduate degree that I started around the time my son was born and still maintain a 4.0 GPA. I maintain a beautiful home on 2-acres as any self-respecting DIY-er does. So you see, I really don’t have room for anything else.” What I was thinking in my head though was, “Fun isn’t important. It’s frivolous. It doesn’t get me anywhere. There are so many more productive things I can (and do) do with my time.”

Frankly, I’m surprised Jason didn’t hightail his butt out of my life after seeing how stark and driven my world was. I was the epitome of efficiency, productivity and seriousness. I had to be. That was my world. But he saw something of interest in me, and was able to overlook the seriously different modes of operation we prescribed to.

As I got to know him better, I learned how truly different his world was from mine. I learned how genuinely happy he was with life in almost every aspect. He had so little stress and few negative elements in his daily living. It seemed like he sort of just floated by in life while I struggled, tooth and nail, to make ends meet each day. And just weeks earlier, I thought I had it all.

Eventually, Jason and I moved in together. There is value in seeing someone that lives in the world of the passion drummer on a daily basis. I started to recognize the choices he made and the values he set and the way he evaluated things as different from mine at a basic level. I frequently asked how I could have a life like his. He would tell me what he thought, and I usually just discarded what he said because I felt it was too simplistic for my complicated life. But I did start setting goals for myself gradually that were a bit different. I started to focus on balance (work/play) and simplicity. I started spending less time with friends and family that were really negative to be around and gravitated toward people that were positive and authentic and who I felt good being around. I started taking time out to play and have fun. The more I did these things, the more I wanted to do them. It’s funny how “fun” works that way.

Each year, I moved closer to a world like Jason’s, but I wasn’t really completely conscious of this, although some of it took a huge amount of work and courage to do. It wasn’t easy. I was tied pretty tightly into the world I had made for myself so extricating myself was a slow and arduous process, a five-year process in fact.

I got out of the job that paid a great salary and gave me little self-fulfillment, and took a job that paid less but gave me more freedom. When I found myself in a situation without enough nursing coverage to bring my son home after a 7+ month hospitalization, it took time but eventually an ideal placement was found that is able to sustain the level and quality of nursing my son requires in a non-institutional setting (no easy feat with the national nursing crisis we’re experiencing) where he has other kids like him to share experiences with. He is so happy and his life is so much richer than I could have ever hoped to give him. And I now have a life again for myself too. That change was the single most difficult thing I’ve ever done and not everyone has agreed with the decisions I made and I’ve lost friends as a result. I did other things too. I sold that beautiful home that was too much work for me to maintain and that didn’t really suit my needs and that held me to a place that I wanted to leave. I took work on the other side of the country, in a warm climate, which is something I've wanted to do for decades. I committed to completing my undergraduate degree in 2009. Looking back, I was slowly but systematically closing a chapter in my life that was no longer working for me.

Today my life is irrecognizable to the life I had five years ago. Nearly every aspect has changed. I made room in my life for a new way of thinking, for a new set of values, for a new type of decision making. I simplified, and removed the negative, and acknowledged my own limitations and needs. I learned to focus on what I valued more instead of focusing on what others thought I should do or be. In actuality, I don’t think I was ready to hear the passion drummer before now. I don’t think I would have comprehended it, even if I had heard it. I had to make room. I had to prepare. I had to ready myself.

Everyone’s journey is different and special. We come from different places with different needs and passions. My journey only proves that it can be done. You can unhook yourself from a life you didn’t intend, or did intend but now realize isn’t what you want. If you’re not happy, you can be. It’s a choice. No, it may not be easy. Mine certainly wasn’t. But when I finally “got it” it seemed like the easiest thing in the world. I just forgot to acknowledge (for a time) the preparations I made that allowed me the personal capacity to hear the passion drummer’s beat that first time.

As the saying goes, luck is where preparation meets opportunity. I guess I just got lucky. See you on the other side.

No More Road Rage

The other day, I was driving into work and the morning rush hour traffic was brutal. I've been told that I'm a good driver, but definitely on the "aggressive side." As I sped along in the "hammer lane" (the far left lane often referred to as the "passing lane"), invariably some moron going much slower pulled out in front of me without checking to see if faster traffic was coming, causing me to slam on my brakes far too hard for comfort, followed by a burst of choice expletives flowing forth from my mouth. The adrenalin begins to pump as this happens time after time as I try to navigate around these slowpokes interrupting the faster flow of traffic in my lane. It's going to be a long ride in this morning.

As I sat there at a red light, behind such a moron who just caused me to miss a perfectly good green light, I am fuming. Out of the blue, I asked myself: "Are you having fun?" The passion drummer's beat must have started playing on the radio for a moment. I thought "Hell, NO, I'm not having fun! Who can have fun with idiots like this getting in my way all the time!?!" I was hot. I was so "feeling the ugly." I wanted to get to work, and it wasn't happening fast enough for my tastes. Patience is not my strong suit.

But the question kept repeating in my head. "Are you having fun?"

At first I was pissed at myself for suggesting that I might find this experience fun in any sense of the word. But then, sitting at that light, an idea came into my head. Instead of getting upset at this anonymous person in front of me, why not have some fun with it? So I came up with the idea of a Moron Driver of the Day Award, and decided immediately that the best candidate for this award was the person directly in front of me looking innocently back at me from their rearview mirror. I was pleased with myself.

I start talking aloud to myself in my truck about this person. I wonder if this dude knows he drives like an idiot? I wonder if he'll ever have a lightbulb-moment when he says, "My goodness, I drive like an imbecile!" I wonder if his co-workers give him crap about his driving like a little old lady...I know I would!. I laugh at this, thinking of the poor soul that would drive like this and be in my lunch group. The heckling they would get from me! Ha!

As the light turns green, I see a pickup about 7 cars ahead of me, again in the passing lane, going way below the speed limit, but next to two lanes of 18-wheelers moving slowing up the hill as they move through their multitude of gears, thus effectively bottlenecking all 3 lanes of traffic. I exclaim with glee "No, wait! It's a two-way tie. The slow-poke in the hammer lane, and the semi that couldn't stay put behind the other semi. NICE! Look how effectively all three are going the exact same speed! It's like synchronized swimming!!" At this point, I'm certain if anyone peers into the cabin of my vehicle to see me talking to myself and bursting into fits of laughter, they are steering clear of my vehicle at this point and perhaps a bit concerned about my sanity.

As I laugh, the car pulls forward and pulls over infront of the semi in the middle lane. The hammer lane traffic floods forward. As each dummy pulls in front of me, I verbally jibe them with taunts of giving them my Moron Driver of the Day award. I'm sure some of them look back and see me laughing. Oddly enough, they all pull over in short order, and I get to work nearly a full fifteen minutes earlier than predicted.

As this happens, I'm thinking, come on now. This isn't happening. This can't be happening. It's not that easy. I just think happy thoughts and have "fun" and stuff works out? That's ridiculous. But that's what happened. It's scary that I have the conviction to even write this with the intent of sharing it with others. I'm sure I'm nuts at this point and that's how it will be viewed. But, hey, I'm happy so what do I care? It's definitely working for me.

See you on the other side! :)

There Is No Rationalizing When Dancing With The Passion Drummer

This week I'm discovering the downside to dancing to the passion drummer. We all have times in our lives when we have obligations and tasks that are not enjoyable, but they are often pressing matters that must be done, however unpleasant. For those listening to the goal-oriented drummer, this becomes something you don't pay much attention to, because you learn to stay focused on your goals and you learn that you have to fight for the things you want and that accomplishing your goals often takes discipline and self-sacrifice. For those dancing to the passion drummer, the effects of doing something that isn't in alignment with a passion isn't something that can be as easily dealt with. I became intimately aware of this fact the past few weeks.

I happened to find my passion drummer on the week lull after completing midterm exams for my last two college courses to complete my college degree. Now that school is back in session, and I'm having to read assigned textbook chapters, study, complete homework, write reports and participate in online class discussions, I am experiencing a new type of "ugly." Why? Because I have come to the realization that completing my computer science degree is not in alignment with any of my passions, and, beside that, it has not been required for me professionally up to now, so it's likely that not having it not holding me back in discernible anyway. On top of that, neither Natural Science nor Macroeconomics are my cup'o'tea which is why I hadn't taken these two required courses until the very end.

I only had 6 weeks of class left to complete my degree requirements when I came to this realization that I didn't need a degree to be happy and fulfilled. As anyone in their right mind would tell you, it would be silly for me to withdraw from class at this point, even if I now dance to a drummer that clearly shows me this college degree is not relevant to my new way of valuated my investments in time/money/effort. I'm just too close to the goal line to walk away.

I now only have 4 weeks of class left and each consecutive week has become more of a burden, more challenging, and I even have found myself becoming resentful for how much time this homework is taking from my day. Try as I might, I cannot find any passion in this endeavor. I find myself becoming more unhappy with each night of studies. Now, after dancing with the passion drummer, knowing what it feels like to have days and days of effortless happiness, I REALLY don't like this dark feeling and I think somehow I am failing in my quest to dance to the passion drummer because I am becoming so unhappy due to school.

So I go to Roger and Jason today and I ask them what I'm doing wrong. Both of them told me that these types of tasks (Quadrant 1 tasks in Covey's Quadrants - Urgent and Important) that are not in alignment with passion, will require effort on my part to complete (tasks that are in alignment with passion never feel so much like effort as they do just plain having fun) and that joy will not be something likely to be experienced in the process. Both agreed that these tasks can be viewed as "necessary evils".

So, today, I came to understand that if you are doing something that you find no enjoyment in (not in alignment with any of your passions) and it's anything time consuming (something that can't be accomplished quickly), and you are truly dancing to your passion drummer, it is likely you will experience some degree of unhappiness, and perhaps even resentment for it taking you away from the passions in your life. This is normal.

The upside to this is that it completely reinforces your decision making to only pursue things that are in alignment with your vector of focus (passion) when dancing to the passion drummer. On the downside, when life gets in the way, and you have to do something that isn't a passion, the longer that task takes the more unhappiness you will experience. You just do it, and get it done so you move on to something more enjoyable.

Considering that I've always been an A student, and I used to love the accomplishment of getting good grades and learning pretty much anything, I still am coming to grips with this one. Roger points out that part of my problem is that I'm still investing the time necessary in my studies to get a high grade and that I could spend much less effort and still pass the course. Why I'm not compelled to slack a bit on my studies and take a lower grade so that I have more time to play with my passions is likely a remnant of the goal-oriented drummer (any job worth doing is worth doing well). The ROI isn't the same now, but I'm not entirely convinced that this remnant is a bad thing. I do understand now the new challenges I'll have in life dancing to the passion drummer are of a different nature than what I originally anticipated. There is no way of rationalizing your feelings away when dancing to the passion drummer. It just doesn't work that way like it does listening to the goal-oriented drummer.

Swimming Up Stream or Going With The Flow And Hitting Every Rock Along The Way

I can remember more times than not in my life struggling to reach my goals. I used to think it was "character building" to fight tooth and nail for something I set my sights on. "Nothing worth having is easy" was the motto that seemed to fit in my world.

Part of that lightbulb moment I had last week, when I first heard the passion drummer, was that I was unhappy because I was fighting a natural law of the universe. By constantly fighting to swim up river, I was missing out on life! When a fellow AFS member asked if it wasn't good to struggle, when talking of dancing with the passion drummer, my reaction was adamantly to the contrary. If you have to fight too hard, I said, it's likely a red flag that you're moving in the wrong direction. Now, that is not to say that there are those that fulfill their dreams after much fighting. What I'm saying is that you don't have to fight like that to feel fulfillment. And it's much more enjoyable to not struggle like that. It's less stressful. I've been looking for the non-stress approach to life for a very long time and this truly has been the key for me.

Many people have tried to stop swimming up stream, to "go with the flow", maybe just to try it out. Often they end up feeling like they are out of control or that they keep getting battered by the rocks and other hurdles of life. Even though they try to maneuver to avoid them, they're mostly unsuccessful. Battered and bruised, they say "this isn't for me" and they turn around and start swimming up stream again thankful to be done with the whole thing.

But it is very apparent that those that listen to the passion drummer's beat aren't battered and bruised. The rest of us watch them going with the flow and think they must be lucky, living charmed lives, that they can avoid all those rocks as they ride through life's often turbulent waters. You know what? They aren't avoiding those rocks! They run into those rocks just like everyone else. So, what's the difference? Why don't they get battered and bruised? It's all about focus.

I remember Jason saying, "I just let it go" and "I don't dwell on hard knocks unless I have some control over the outcome (in this he means the ability to directly change the outcome) and that outcome impacts my happiness." So they do hit the rocks, but they don't focus on the rocks. We, getting battered and bruised, are focusing on the rocks. We see the rocks. We try to avoid the rocks. We try to maneuver around them. We worry about hitting them, setting expectations for what might happen. And, when we can't avoid them and we hit them, then we are still focused on the rock and its impact. Not only does it impact our level of happiness but we're already focusing on the next rocks we see up ahead. In contrast, those charmed people also see the rocks, but they don't care. They are enjoying the ride so they keep going without really worrying about the rocks they see and eventually hit, because they've been focusing on the fun of the ride so the bumps don't have the same power to impact them. Theoretical, you say? Okay, let's look at an example.

The River (aka Life):
Let's say you're really good at something. Someone you know asks you to share the inner working of that skill with them because there is an upcoming opportunity in which that skill is needed, that you both would be interested in.

The Rocks (aka Risks/Challenges):
There is a chance that by sharing your knowledge with this other person that you'll lose out on some opportunities because this other person will get them.

The Freaks of Nature (aka Passion Drummer view)
If you're one of those people, there really is only one choice. Of course, you'd love to share your passion with that other person and teach them what you know. As long as it's enjoyable, you're "in" and happy for the interaction with someone that shares your passion. You know there is a chance that person will get an opportunity that you'd also like to have, but it is irrelevant to your motivation to have fun and share your passion so you don't give it a second thought.

The Battered and Bruised (aka Goal Drummer view)
If you're like the rest, you're pretty hesitant to share your valuable skills with the other person. Sure you'd probably enjoy showing them the ins and out of what you know, but you don't want to be used or taken advantage of, and you especially don't want to lose out on some really valuable opportunities that you've worked so hard at preparing for.

Rocks Up Ahead!
A) Going With The Flow and Getting Battered and Bruised (aka Goal Drummer choices)
You decide to share your knowledge despite your concerns and "better judgement." You're going to try to embrace this "going with the flow" thing. You're still a bit worried how this is all going to work out though. You're just hoping you're not going to regret it.

B) Maneuvering To Avoid The Rocks (aka Goal Drummer choices)
You decide not to share your knowledge with the other person because you see the trouble that it could cause later on and you have too much at risk, too much to lose. You see yourself as being a strategic thinker and proud of yourself for having avoided a potential pitfall.

C) Truly Going With The Flow (aka Passion Drummer choice)
You share your knowledge with the other person and have a really good time with them. You don't worry about what is going to happen down the road as a result of this interaction. The important thing is that you had fun.

The Rocks
A) Battered and Bruised
The other person gets that opportunity that would have been perfect for you. You knew you should have listened to your instincts and not let them use you! You saw this coming and you just let it happen. You really regret the choices you made. You feel taken advantage of and a little bitter. You will be more cautious in the future. You won't let this happen again!

B) Steering Clear
You get that 'perfect' opportunity, and you know you helped level the playing field by not sharing your skills with that other person. You feel like you are on top of the world. You have realized another goal, achieved another success.

C) Just Another Bump In The Road
You're new friend lands this great opportunity and you're really happy for them. Yes, you would have enjoyed that opportunity yourself, but, hey, it's no biggy. You are already really happy and in the whole scheme of things it really doesn't impact you. It's no skin off your back and besides, your friend and you have plenty to talk about these days as their new opportunity unfolds.

The Universe Works in Mysterious Ways (aka You Reap What You Sow)
A) Battered and Bruised and Bitter
You become a bit cynical over time. You struggle to feel good because of the bitterness that is pent up inside of you. You want more out of life and you feel like every time you turn around life hits you again with another challenge, another set back, another loss. You see your friends that stayed focused on their goals and the success they've realized and you envy them. You see those charmed people in your office that are high on life and you want to punch them most of the time just to wipe that smile off their face. You're miserable but you don't know how to get out of the life you're tied into.

B) Successfully Limited By Your Goals, Round and Round You Go!
You go on restricting and conserving yourself, only sharing yourself when it benefits you. Most of your connections with others are based on mutual opportunity. You've networked with all the successful people with similar mindsets. You're a winner. You make your moves with a strategic mind. No one is going to pull one over on you. You're successful. You achieve close to everything you set your mind to. You aren't aware of this, but by constantly focusing on setting and achieving your goals, you are only achieving your goals. You don't leave any room for other opportunities to come into your life because you can't see them, or you don't value them for what they are. You limit your personal development to that which you conceive. You definitely feel successful but somehow you always feel like there is something missing, and you're hoping to fulfill it with the accomplishment of that next goal.

C) Passion, Happiness, Fulfillment, and Other Things You Never Imagined For Yourself
While your friend is busy working on that new opportunity, out of the blue you get this email from someone you similarly helped out several years ago. You haven't heard from them in ages. They ask if you're available for this great opportunity that you never would have even thought was possible. This opportunity would never have been something you could have accepted if you were knee-deep in the first one that your friend got. This opportunity catapults you into a completely different and unexpected arena. You're now a leader in this field, not that you really tried to. It's really amazing how things work out. You don't really look for them, but they just seem to appear at the right time. You've becoming an expert in your field without really ever having to work at it, you just followed your passion. You develop lasting and meaningful relationships with others following their passions and in that way surround yourself with people with similar values and you all seem to help each other and learn and grow from each other. It's almost like "paying it foward." You love your life, you love what you do, you didn't really plan to be where you are. Frankly, you're a little amazed how things have worked out for you, but, hey, things always seem to have a way of working themselves out like this. You may not really think about it, but you just "get" how the universe works. No struggling. No fighting. Your needs are met. No worries. You are happy.

Those of you dancing to the goal drummer may think this is more than a tad bit silly. I used to. But I've seen all of these people described above in my life over and over again. I can tell you that I don't want to be A or B. I opt for C. I used to be a B, and at times was even an A when the chips were down. Mostly as a B, I found C's to be naive and vulnerable, or worse, just plain dumb. There was no way, I thought, that their happy-go-lucky meandering could be a superior approach to life than my carefully articulated and educated plans based on years of experience and knowledge development. Think again.

Somehow I found my way to personal fulfillment. I, by chance really, heard that passion drummer and took that other road. It's something I'll never regret. It has profoundly changed my life in just 8 days. I can't wait to see where this road less traveled takes me! I'm making choices still, I'm setting goals still, but I'm not limiting my experiences anymore or myself. I'm not fighting life anymore either. There is another approach with the passion drummer. Don't worry, be happy. I have to laugh as I write that last sentence, because I know what that sounds like to the goal drummer crowd.

Here's hoping to seeing you on the other side, dancing to your passion drummer!